mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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