Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We got drunk, we had raw sex and we discussed about the showrunner change in Doctor Who, in that order.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
Randomize
