I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
