If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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