You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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