Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
if i can run in heels then i can drive
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
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