I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
