Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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