I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
