the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
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