I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
