kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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