i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
Randomize