Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
do herpes really smell.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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