Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
