my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
