Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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