Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
Randomize
