I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I'm really really gonna try not to at least one night. The 4 day thanksgiving bender almost killed me last year
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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