i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I wish i was in the wii world.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
