Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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