I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
i was born a porn star she said
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm about 40% drunk. You know, not drunk enough to light the bar on fire, but drunk enough to let the cougar hit on me.
Randomize
