We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Bring me that man meat
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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