just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
New drinking game: Drink while you Drink. I'll explain the rules when I see you, needless to say, it's not difficult. Unless you enjoy sobriety, humanity and life. Bestest.
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
