I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
