god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
