I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Text me some of your sweat
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
