I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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