in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Let me guess--your parents are cousins.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Randomize
