I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
he passed out on the stove with a cup in his hand. yes the pictures are hilarious
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Well, it's a fine line between people-watching and boob-staring. It's a gray area. But we're in Paris. Let's leave it at that.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
