the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
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