Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I could fuck to npr.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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