singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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