I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Yeah he drove 30 minutes at 3 AM to come fuck me in my neighbors treehouse
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
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