I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
You know it was one hell of a night when you need to use your own thong to wipe cum off your face.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
