I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
Randomize
