You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
We talked him into tasing himself.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Randomize
