I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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