Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
