Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
