so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Randomize
