Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"
Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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