I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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