Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
Randomize
