My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize