Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well its all fun and games until you get naked with your ex in the shower. that's NOT flirting
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
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