I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
Randomize
