she kept yelling 'call me bella'
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Randomize
