wanna go halves on a baby?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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