my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
