question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize
