Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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