Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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