Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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