this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
